Exploring My Shadows

Wednesday, March 22, 2023

The world is not so dark these days. I can laugh and smile, and enjoy the company of those I love. I enjoy my favorite pastimes.

The dark times pass. They always do. So I can let them go knowing that the storm never lasts forever.

The good times pass, too. So I try to remember to cherish them when they’re here.

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I’m working through my impulse to push people away when I’m hurt. Conventional wisdom says this is probably because I anticipate being hurt by them, so I push them away before they can injure me. Better to hurt myself than let other people hurt me.

Self destruction and self sabotage are misguided attempts at survival. People hurt me? I’m better off alone. Afraid of rejection for that job, friend, or potential romantic interest? Better to keep your ideas to yourself to avoid the rejection. Want something but you’re afraid of being seen as needy or greedy? Keep your wants and needs inside so you aren’t seen in a negative light.

Somewhere along the way, recently or back when I was a kid, I might have experienced something traumatizing and, when I reached out for help from friends or loved ones, it made things worse. I learned that if I am broken and need help I cannot and should not ask for it. I don’t know why, or if this is quite true. I’m still exploring and trying to look into those shadow parts of my subconscious. 

I am grateful for this part of me, though. It’s a part of me that is trying its damndest to protect me. 

Lots more work to do. More shadows to explore. I wonder what versions of myself I will find in there?

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I’m not a therapist or a guru. I don’t have sage advice. I’m just a man trying to make his way through the dark. I’m trying my best, and if anyone can benefit from me expressing myself this way, then it will have been worth it.

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Life before death

Strength before weakness

Journey before destination

I Am Okay

 Wednesday, March 8, 2023

Things are better. It’s slow progress, full of fear and sore spots. But the difference is like day and night. And it came down to one simple phrase that I wasn’t looking for.

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I am okay.

The phrase came to my mind, un bidden and unforced, in the middle of the night. I had put myself to sleep, but something woke me up, and as I was trying to fall back asleep, the simple phrase came to my mind.

I am okay. 

And I realized that it was true, and that I was going to be okay. I didn’t force the words. I didn’t fake it or pretend to feel like it was true. The words just surfaced above the swirling dark mantra that had been my interior monologue for days.

I am okay. 

I smiled. I let my obnoxious princess of a cat snuggle up to me, and eventually I fell back asleep. When I woke up I was able to smile, to stretch, and to get things done before going to work. I was able to accept the love of my wife and my step son without feeling like it somehow caused me pain. 

I’m not 100%. I still don’t know how to come back from this. I’m still hurting.

But the simple phrase was like a sip of clean, cool water to a man dying of thirst. And during this dark, hard time, even though I was not thriving in any sense of the word, even in the darkness, I had been okay, too.

So, I am okay. And chances are, you are, too.

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I’m not a therapist or a guru. I don’t have sage advice. I’m just a man trying to make his way through the dark. I’m trying my best, and if anyone can benefit from me expressing myself this way, then it will have been worth it.

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Life before death

Strength before weakness

Journey before destination

Dark Mantra

What follows is dark, self-indulgent ranting, but at the moment it’s all I can feel. My intrusive thoughts have control. My job right now is to exist despite them. There are things I need to do, no matter what the unending dark mantra inside me says.

I don't know if expressing this will help me. It always seems to get worse, not better. But holding it inside doesn't help, and I can't hurt anyone else with these words.

These words are lies, no matter how insistent they are. If you feel like this you are not alone. Ride it out. If I can, you can.