Mood Check-Ins

Thursday, Sept 14, 2023

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Depression has crept back. For now it’s simply sitting with me, keeping me company. It’s making me nervous, wondering whether I’m going to get caught up in its grips again, and for how long. It’s like I just stepped out into the cold. I can feel the chill on my skin, but the cold has not yet seeped into my flesh and bone. Maybe there are things I can do to stave off the cold until I can get somewhere warm again. 

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Continuing where I left off with Mind Over Mood, I’ve been using what I learned about the relationship between my experiences (environment, situation, and life changes) and my mood. I have been taking up a practice of rating my own mood through the lens of specific situations, to get a better understanding of exactly what impact they have had on me.

As a reminder to myself, my internal workings (physical reaction, mood, thought, and behavior) and how they shape and are shaped by each other, and the external world.

What the book asks me to do is consider a situation, positive or negative, and describe it briefly with the W questions. Who am I with, where am I, what am I doing and what is happening, and when is it happening. I then identify the mood or moods I experienced as a result of that situation. Finally, assign a value to the mood from 0 to 100.

A nice example was being at home with my twins, relaxing on their bed on a weekend afternoon, watching shows. I felt loving (80) and content (70).

(I always feel weird assigning number values to sensations or emotions. What happens if I write 100, and then I feel something more intense? But that’s a me-problem that I’m working through.)

A silly negative example was driving myself and Spoofle (my partner) home after dropping Pogi (our youngest) off for the first day of the school year, heading down a busy intersection with traffic and construction early in the morning, and having someone try to drive across several lanes of traffic so they can get to the left hand turn lane. I was in their way, so they honked, gestured and shouted at me to move. I couldn’t even if I wanted to, so he continued to escalate his behavior. Eventually he pulled behind me, into the left hand turn lane, then up beside me. He leaned on his horn and made rude gestures at us. 

For my mood, I identified frustration (40), and calmness (60). I also discovered that I was being spiteful.

Interesting. I was surprised, not because I didn’t think I would be spiteful, but because I didn’t realize it was there until I took a careful look. My awareness had deepened, showing something about myself that I wasn’t sure I liked.

The idea behind these check-ins is for me to make it second nature to notice how the external world has an impact on my internal world, specifically my emotional state. It’s been less than a week, and I already catch myself taking mental notes that I hope will be helpful.

Specifically, I can see how tracking the who, what, when, and where of my moods will make it possible for me to structure things for success. If I am routinely in a bad mood when I am doing chores alone at 3 am, I should probably look at changing a number of those variables. Likewise, if I am feeling productive (is that a mood?) at 2 pm on a Saturday when everyone is busy with their own projects, I can use that to get stuff done.

However, even if I were a master situational architect, I wouldn’t be able to prevent all problems. So an important piece that I am anticipating in future chapters is changing the way I think about things when situations arise.

Lots of practice still to do, and lots more to learn. 

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What are my qualifications? None, except for my own experience and a desire to help. Going back to Doctor Who, “I am an idiot … passing through, helping out.” I hope my own struggle with my darkness can help you with yours, or understand the struggle of someone you love.

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Life before death

Strength before weakness

Journey before destination

A Change In the System

Thursday, Sep 07, 2023

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I’ve been very ill with a respiratory illness for a while now. It’s wreaking havoc on work, sleep, and daily function, and has comorbid interactions (fun!) with my diabetes. It sucks.

And yet I’m doing much better, mentally and emotionally. I always feel weird when people ask me how I am, because I tell them all the awful stuff happening with my body and then say I’m doing really well.

I guess it goes to show that you don’t have to feel well to do well.

Buckle up. This one’s a bit longer than normal. Also no proof-reading, so judge me if you will. But if I edit this, I won’t post it.

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As part of the work that I’m doing on myself, I’m reading Mind Over Mood (Dennis Greenberger, Christine A. Padesky). It focuses on cognitive-behavioral therapy approaches (CBT), and while I knew about them in theory, I haven’t really practiced it in my daily life. I’m still learning, so these are just my thoughts as I read.

The principles of CBT say that how we feel can be changed by the way we think, and the way we feel has an impact on everything else in our lives. 

Within us, there are four interconnected things: physical reactions, mood, behavior, and thoughts. Any change in one will influence the other three. A head cold will make me feel stuffy and gross, which puts me in a bad mood, which makes me grumpy, which makes me think things like, “I just can’t stand people”, “I’m disgusting”, and “No one wants to be near me.

On top of that, external forces have an impact on each of the four. These are the environment around you, the situations you are in, and life changes. Our environment is the place we live and the people that surround us. The situations are short term, like an argument, or long term, like a relationship or job. Life changes can be anything that alters the course of your life. It could be positive or negative, as small as meeting someone new, or as big as getting a new job, or the birth of a child.

A big life change, like divorce, illness, the death of a loved one, job loss, and so on, all have an impact on us. The impact can be on any or all of the four interconnected internal parts. And any change to one of those four will have an impact on the other three.

Years ago, I received a big blow to my health. I was diagnosed with type one diabetes, a life-altering condition that I will have for the rest of my life. This was a life change and a change in situation. My external reality had been altered drastically.

My physical reactions included all the side effects of high blood glucose. Headaches, thirst, hunger, tiredness, lack of focus, restlessness, etc. As my care plan developed, the reactions expanded to include the symptoms of low glucose, and all the physical reactions to daily insulin injections and blood glucose checks.

My mood changed, too. I became melancholic and gloomy, for obvious reasons. And to be honest, I was always afraid.

My behavior changed, as well. I became more cautious, avoiding certain activities and food because I feared a disastrous low glucose event. I began exercising less for the same reason, having experienced several frightening lows. This was a major change for someone who used to train martial arts several nights a week.

My thinking changed as well. “I am limited.” “I am fragile.” “I will die from this condition.”

Each of these things began to influence the others. My limiting thinking changed my mood, making me feel lesser than I used to be, fueling my depression. My exercise avoidance sabotaged my mood. My mood made me think less and less of myself. “I’m not a martial artist any more.” “I will never be healthy anymore.”

This is obviously an example of a major, negative life change and the way it devastated my interior life. It felt hopeless. It still does, sometimes.

But the problem - that a change in the system has an impact on the entire system - is also the solution. A positive change in the system will have a positive impact on the rest of the system.

I remembered, for example, that one of my heroes at the dojo I was a part of was type one diabetic as well. She was tough, fearsome, and no-nonsense. She was a force to be reckoned with. I trained alongside her for more than a decade, and NOT ONCE did she let her condition limit her potential. This helped me change my thinking.

I can enjoy my life, no matter what my life situation is. This changes my mood.

I can exercise, even a little. I can walk and swim and practice my martial arts. I can eat lots of good, tasty food that isn’t that bad for my condition (and occasionally have a treat.) This changes my behavior.

All of these positively affect my physical reactions. Over the years my diabetes has become easier to manage, although there are always challenges.

So there is hope. And it is hard work, especially when I’ve been immersed in a certain internal pattern, to correct my course.

Because while a change in the system can break down the entire system, it can also improve it as well.

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What are my qualifications? None, except for my own experience and a desire to help. Going back to Doctor Who, “I am an idiot … passing through, helping out.” I hope my own struggle with my darkness can help you with yours, or understand the struggle of someone you love.

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Life before death

Strength before weakness

Journey before destination