Self Loathing

Sunday, April 9, 2023

More and more I identify with Vincent van Gogh, or at least how he is portrayed in the beautiful Doctor Who episode where Matt Smith’s Doctor and Amelia Pond visit the painter. The good that I experience in life, big or small, doesn’t detract from the bad. And vice versa. My highs and lows don’t get flattened into a line of okayness. They come and go, and I know that I will get to enjoy them, in a sense, no matter what came before or after.

The world is full of unbearable pain and suffering, and yet we find a way to bear it.

The world is full of incomprehensible beauty and joy, too.

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Sometimes I still hate myself, although I’m beginning to see how much of a mistake that is. Not a mistake because it’s not “good” for me. A mistake because it is a misunderstanding of the things about me that I have trouble accepting.

My negative emotions are all ways that my body is trying to protect me. Interestingly, even my “self-destructive” or “self-sabotaging” behaviors are actually self-defense mechanisms that are misfiring, or being misused. Push people away so that you can control how they enter and exit your life. Hurt yourself so that you know when the hurt will come and not be surprised by it. These are misapplications of a desire to keep you safe, keep me safe.

But do we hate the thing that’s trying to help? If a loved one is doing their best to be on your side and protect you, do you loathe and despise them? Even if they are actually making things worse, you thank them and then tell them they don’t need to do what they’re doing anymore.

I’m trying something. Not sure how it will work. I absorbed it through social media, so I can’t even say where it came from. But it goes something like this:

1. Identify what it is about yourself that you hate.

2. Identify what that thing is doing - the negative impact.

3. Identify what that thing is trying to do - the protective intent.

4. Try to feel it inside your body, as tension, heat, cold, pain, etc.

5. Acknowledge the behavior and thank it for trying to keep you safe.

6. Thank it and tell it that you’re safe now, and it can rest.

7. Feel around to see if the thing is still there. If so, gently repeat the process.

We have to feel the feelings or they remain inside us, messing us up in unexpected ways. I have trouble feeling them in my body, so that’s a challenge for me, but it’s an interesting exercise.

I’m trying not to hate the things about me that are less than ideal. I still do - I have a lot of misunderstanding to undue - but I think this is helping.

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What are my qualifications? None, except for my own experience and a desire to help. Going back to Doctor Who, “I am an idiot … passing through, helping out.” I hope my own struggle with my darkness can help you with yours, or understand the struggle of someone you love.

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Life before death

Strength before weakness

Journey before destination

Exploring My Shadows

Wednesday, March 22, 2023

The world is not so dark these days. I can laugh and smile, and enjoy the company of those I love. I enjoy my favorite pastimes.

The dark times pass. They always do. So I can let them go knowing that the storm never lasts forever.

The good times pass, too. So I try to remember to cherish them when they’re here.

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I’m working through my impulse to push people away when I’m hurt. Conventional wisdom says this is probably because I anticipate being hurt by them, so I push them away before they can injure me. Better to hurt myself than let other people hurt me.

Self destruction and self sabotage are misguided attempts at survival. People hurt me? I’m better off alone. Afraid of rejection for that job, friend, or potential romantic interest? Better to keep your ideas to yourself to avoid the rejection. Want something but you’re afraid of being seen as needy or greedy? Keep your wants and needs inside so you aren’t seen in a negative light.

Somewhere along the way, recently or back when I was a kid, I might have experienced something traumatizing and, when I reached out for help from friends or loved ones, it made things worse. I learned that if I am broken and need help I cannot and should not ask for it. I don’t know why, or if this is quite true. I’m still exploring and trying to look into those shadow parts of my subconscious. 

I am grateful for this part of me, though. It’s a part of me that is trying its damndest to protect me. 

Lots more work to do. More shadows to explore. I wonder what versions of myself I will find in there?

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I’m not a therapist or a guru. I don’t have sage advice. I’m just a man trying to make his way through the dark. I’m trying my best, and if anyone can benefit from me expressing myself this way, then it will have been worth it.

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Life before death

Strength before weakness

Journey before destination