Writing Memories

Thursday, Aug 24, 2023

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I’m doing more than just surviving these days. Nothing’s perfect. There are lots of shadows cast over my life, but they’re just part of the landscape, not warnings of impending doom. More than just getting by, I’m also doing things that I find fulfilling, and have moments of sincere joy.

I’ve started things up again with my therapist and will be doing more than just telling him what’s happened to me each week. We’re going to start exposing the roots of my feelings and figuring out how to create better, more appropriate reactions to my triggers. I’m looking forward to this.

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Something very unfortunate happened a few weeks ago. I can’t get into specifics, but there was a complicated, dangerous situation with multiple different parties, each with their own version of what happened. In the end the danger was resolved and no one was hurt, although most of us were badly shaken.

I spent time wrestling with what happened. I reviewed the sequence of events, trying to see if I missed something important. Did I do the right thing? Was there something I could have reasonably done that would have nipped the incident in the bud? Were there signs I missed? I lost sleep, playing it over and over in my head, and at every turn I questioned things.

There were times where I felt like a monster. Self doubt and his nasty cousin, self loathing, were close at hand. But after some hard work, I was able to put them in their place. This time, I was able to see the lie my dark side was selling me and discarded it as such.

In the end I realized that while yes, there were things I could have done better, what I did was reasonable considering everything that was happening. It was a messy, complicated situation, and I was doing the best I could at the moment. 

I also had to tell the story many times, to people I care about and to people who had a right to know. It wasn’t something I wanted to do, but it was the right thing to do.

I told the story one more time the other day, and I received some unexpected feedback. To paraphrase what they said, I could have told the story with me being a victim, or beating myself up over not responding perfectly to a volatile situation. I could have been upset at the people present during the incident and what they said, did, or how they reacted.

My friend reminded me that every time we retell a story we are helping our brains reorganize the memory so we can understand and store the memory more effectively. The way we tell the story to ourselves writes and rewrites the memory. It changes the way we see the events that happened, and how we relate to them. It’s one of the slippery ways that our memories aren’t reliable, and why the way we think about our past is incredibly important.

Not wanting to put words in my friend’s mouth, it sounds like I did a good job of owning my part in the unfortunate incident. I accepted responsibility for what I did without overreaching and blaming myself for everything going wrong. I didn’t blame anyone else, either, but expressed understanding and compassion.

Hearing this was a breath of fresh air. It showed me that the work I’ve been doing on myself is paying off, and the results are noticeable to those who know me well. It also underscored to me the importance of being as honest and clear as possible with myself and others when dealing with the hardships of life. Because the way we tell ourselves these stories changes the memories we write.

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What are my qualifications? None, except for my own experience and a desire to help. Going back to Doctor Who, “I am an idiot … passing through, helping out.” I hope my own struggle with my darkness can help you with yours, or understand the struggle of someone you love.

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Life before death

Strength before weakness

Journey before destination

No Good People

Monday, April 10, 2023

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I have said many times that I am not a good person. I self identify as an asshole who is doing their best not to let other people realize that I am, so I lean as hard in the other direction as possible.

I talked with a good friend recently, during a crisis of mine. I told her I was not a good person. She disagreed vehemently and said that she should know because she’s known me for about thirty years. She’s also an ex, and if our friendship has lasted that long AND survived a breakup, there may be something to her claim.

More importantly, she said that the idea of a good person is a bit of a myth. There may be one or two genuinely good people out there, but most of us are kind of selfish, kind of greedy, and kind of mean - qualities that can very easily tip us toward bad under the right circumstances. No one is good. No one is evil. We’re just people trying to survive.

Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn probably said it best.

“The line between good and evil runs not through states, nor between classes, nor between political parties either — but right through every human heart.” 

Touching on Doctor Who again, in the Matt Smith episode A Town Called Mercy, an alien known as Kahler-Jex - a known war criminal - has settled in a human town on Earth. He has done everything he can to improve the lives of the people around him. The balance of his past sins and his current service are the crux of the episode and acts as a sharp parallel to the Doctor himself, whose hands are certainly not clean. While it is a simplified view of our own struggle, it is apt. Our lives don’t keep the good and the bad so neatly separated and defined.

Does the good Jex has done erase the bad? Does it tip the scales for him toward being a "good" person?

I’m not religious. I don’t believe in absolute categories of good and evil the same way a person of faith might. But I do believe there are good things a person can do, based subjectively on what will benefit themselves, their circle, their species, and their planet. Likewise I think there are less than ideal things that people can do - that we ALL do - that detract from those same goods. And maybe I believe in evil in the sense that there are some people who are aware of the horrible impact of their actions and choose to persist in them.

It’s good to be proactively aware of someone’s peanut allergy.

It’s dangerous but not evil to give peanuts to someone you didn’t know was allergic.

It’s evil to leave peanuts in food knowing that the person about to eat it is allergic and do nothing to stop them from eating it.

We’re all kinda shitty. Being aware of your own failings and actively trying to fight them and improve as a person is, perhaps, the closest thing we can get to being truly “good.”

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What are my qualifications? None, except for my own experience and a desire to help. Going back to Doctor Who, “I am an idiot … passing through, helping out.” I hope my own struggle with my darkness can help you with yours, or understand the struggle of someone you love.

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Life before death

Strength before weakness

Journey before destination