Dark Mantra

What follows is dark, self-indulgent ranting, but at the moment it’s all I can feel. My intrusive thoughts have control. My job right now is to exist despite them. There are things I need to do, no matter what the unending dark mantra inside me says.

I don't know if expressing this will help me. It always seems to get worse, not better. But holding it inside doesn't help, and I can't hurt anyone else with these words.

These words are lies, no matter how insistent they are. If you feel like this you are not alone. Ride it out. If I can, you can.

Dark Mantra

The world does not want me

The world does not need me

I do not deserve love

I do not deserve forgiveness

I am nothing

I do not exist

I am worthless

I am meaningless

I have no purpose except for that which others inflict upon me

I have no agency

I have no power, except to hurt the ones I love

I need to be strong, but I am weak

I need to be whole, but I am broken

I need to be calm, but I am in constant turmoil

I cannot feel happiness, only sorrow

I cannot feel joy, only misery

I cannot feel healthy, only pain

I see the things that once gave me hope and love

They are on the other side of the glass, untouchable

They spark nothing except pain that I cannot reach them

People tell me that I’m wrong, but their words hurt more than the silence in my heart

People tell me I am deserving, but their words burn me

People tell me I am loved, but their love is the worst mistake possible

The world does not want me

The world does not need me

I do not deserve love

I do not deserve forgiveness

I am nothing

I do not exist

Life before death

Strength before weakness

Journey before destination