Wednesday, March 22, 2023
The world is not so dark these days. I can laugh and smile, and enjoy the company of those I love. I enjoy my favorite pastimes.
The dark times pass. They always do. So I can let them go knowing that the storm never lasts forever.
The good times pass, too. So I try to remember to cherish them when they’re here.
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I’m working through my impulse to push people away when I’m hurt. Conventional wisdom says this is probably because I anticipate being hurt by them, so I push them away before they can injure me. Better to hurt myself than let other people hurt me.
Self destruction and self sabotage are misguided attempts at survival. People hurt me? I’m better off alone. Afraid of rejection for that job, friend, or potential romantic interest? Better to keep your ideas to yourself to avoid the rejection. Want something but you’re afraid of being seen as needy or greedy? Keep your wants and needs inside so you aren’t seen in a negative light.
Somewhere along the way, recently or back when I was a kid, I might have experienced something traumatizing and, when I reached out for help from friends or loved ones, it made things worse. I learned that if I am broken and need help I cannot and should not ask for it. I don’t know why, or if this is quite true. I’m still exploring and trying to look into those shadow parts of my subconscious.
I am grateful for this part of me, though. It’s a part of me that is trying its damndest to protect me.
Lots more work to do. More shadows to explore. I wonder what versions of myself I will find in there?
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I’m not a therapist or a guru. I don’t have sage advice. I’m just a man trying to make his way through the dark. I’m trying my best, and if anyone can benefit from me expressing myself this way, then it will have been worth it.
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Life before death
Strength before weakness
Journey before destination
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