Thursday, Oct 26, 2023
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Talking with a friend about communication and the ways it can go wrong, I remembered a quote my science teacher used back in high school. I liked it so much that I memorized it.
“I know you believe you understand what I think I said,
but I’m not sure you realize what you think you heard is not what I think I said.”
I love it. It highlights that each and every step along the way can lead to a failure to understand.
What I WANTED to say
What I THINK I said
What you THINK you heard
What you THINK I said, or meant to say
Whether you UNDERSTOOD what I said
Whether you BELIEVE you understand
Whether you REALIZE that you may have misunderstood
My UNCERTAINTY about whether you grasp the possibility of a misunderstanding
I work in a call center. Each and every day I witness miscommunication. People use words differently. We have gaps in our understanding. We come from different cultures, adding layers of context to what we say. We misspeak and mishear one another. We let our emotions and preconceptions influence the exchange of words.
I make mistakes ALL. THE. TIME. I catch myself making assumptions, and start responding to things that aren’t true. When I do, I call out my misunderstanding and try to fix it. It’s hard to notice, and even harder to fix when you see it. But it’s worth it.
We usually don’t stop to look at misunderstandings. We sit in our personal perception, where no-one else can be, and refuse to see things from other perspectives. We are the blind men in the room with the elephant, arguing with each other about what the elephant is because we’re stuck in our own heads.
This is just how our brains work. Whether we want to or not, we make assumptions to save time and mental energy. The other people on the road know that green means go and red means stop. People in a shady neighborhood should be treated with caution. Food that I enjoyed in the past will continue to be delicious. My (fictitious) annoying coworker has nothing of value to say.
This isn’t fair, of course. Just like food isn’t always prepared the way you like it, and drivers make mistakes on the road, you might be surprised by that coworker. You might learn something about their perspective that turns annoyance into sympathy, or compassion. You let your prejudice influence what you hear them say, and that does justice to no one.
Being more mindful with how you interact with people is hard. It’s time consuming. We can’t do it all the time or we would be bogged down, emotionally exhausted, and never get anything done. But when it matters, when you have time, it‘s worth taking the time to ask:
This is what I HEARD you say. Is it what you mean to say?
This is what I UNDERSTAND you to mean. Is that what you mean?
What do you think you HEARD me say?
What do you THINK I mean?
What do you UNDERSTAND that to mean?
Even when you take this approach, the other person might not be there with you. You can’t control that. You can only do the best that you can to understand the possible pitfalls and how to avoid them. Hopefully they will sense that you’re trying to meet them halfway, but it’s still worth it if they don’t.
Something simpler powerful tool is to tell the other person when you think there's a misunderstanding.
- I think I might have misheard you. Can you repeat what you said?
- I'm hearing you, but I'm not sure what you mean. Can you rephrase it?
- I'm having trouble understanding you. Can we take a moment to make sure we're on the same page?
As I’ve gotten older, my values have shifted heavily toward kindness. And now that I’ve had time to think on this twisted, knotted topic, I think understanding is a close second.
Always be kind. Always seek to understand others and, when possible, to be understood.
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Ironically, after I shared that quote I decided to look up who said it first… and discovered that I’d remembered it wrong for the past 28 years!
The original was from Robert J. McCloskey, and American Ambassador to the Netherlands and Greece. What he ACTUALLY said was:
“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure that you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”
I don’t know if I mis-remember what I learned back in high school, or if I memorized it wrong in the first place, or maybe even that my science teacher misquoted Mr. McClosky. Either way, I think it’s a perfect demonstration of what the quote means.
But you know, maybe it’s because I’ve lived with it for so long, but I kinda like my version better…
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What are my qualifications? None, except for my own experience and a desire to help. Going back to Doctor Who, “I am an idiot … passing through, helping out.” I hope my own struggle with my darkness can help you with yours, or understand the struggle of someone you love.
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Life before death
Strength before weakness
Journey before destination
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