Letting Them Go

Thursday, Aug 31, 2023

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Everyone has their own struggles. The more you know about what each person has to go through, the easier it is to empathize with them, to understand their actions. Even if sometimes that means that you have to let them go.

I’m not perfect. I have dark spells, and sometimes I collapse, pushing people away. I don’t like that about myself, though I’m beginning to understand why I do it. I am also sensitive and get overwhelmed easily. When I get pushed to a certain point, that brings out irrational, grumpy, self-isolating me.

All of this must be difficult for my loved ones to deal with. Seeing me crash, then pick up the pieces over and over again must be exhausting, especially when you have your own stuff to deal with. Not everyone can accept that kind of upset in their lives.

And they aren’t obliged to.

I had a recent crash. It was shorter than normal, and not as intense, but I went through the usual, unhelpful steps of pushing people away and shutting down. One of my friend groups had something planned, and my episode upset the whole thing. And one of my friends, who had been patient with me for so long, told me they didn’t want to be involved moving forward.

They have their own stuff to deal with. Multiple health concerns and the far-reaching emotional and mental impact made by those struggles. Past trauma, present trauma. A complicated story. I have to make an educated guess, because they aren’t talking to me - and don’t owe me an explanation - but it seems like they have so much on their own plate that they couldn’t handle the added stress of me shutting down.

I won’t lie. It is tempting to say that cutting me out isn’t fair of them. But that wouldn’t be accurate, would it? It wouldn’t be fair for me to expect them to shoulder MORE pain and frustration in order to, hopefully, maybe, make me feel a little better, especially when I have a history of rejecting offers of help.

I don’t know if this is a forever goodbye or an extended time-out. I hope I can reconnect with this friend. But for now, it’s important for me to let them go, respecting their decision. They have their own stuff to deal with, and I have mine. All I can hope for in the meantime is that I can apply the lessons they’ve taught me to my own situation, and that maybe they’ve learned something useful from me… and that our paths will cross again when we both have the capacity to hold space for each other.

Best of luck. To them, and to all of you, always.

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What are my qualifications? None, except for my own experience and a desire to help. Going back to Doctor Who, “I am an idiot … passing through, helping out.” I hope my own struggle with my darkness can help you with yours, or understand the struggle of someone you love.

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Life before death

Strength before weakness

Journey before destination