Thursday, Nov 02, 2023
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We all have people we look up to. Sometimes, those people disappoint us. Sometimes, they fall.
I have been thinking about this blog post for a few years now, unsure how to write it. It’s been difficult to find the words, so please bear with any rough patches.
Jordan Peterson used to be one of my heroes. I came across his book, 12 Rules For Life, An Antidote to Chaos, when I desperately needed just such an antidote. My life had collapsed around me, my depression was unbearable, and I had no idea how to pick up the pieces.
I read the book and it resonated with me. I knew that the things he talked about in this book were the tools I needed to pull myself up out of the chaos of my life, and start to create some order - for me, and for my kids.
Something he helped me with was standing up for myself and what I believed in. I by no means did it gracefully, or efficiently, but his influence on me helped me take the important first steps.
His 12 rules are:
Stand up straight with your shoulders back
Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping
Make friends with people who want the best for you
Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not to who someone else is today
Do not let your children do anything that makes you dislike them
Set your house in perfect order before you criticize the world
Pursue what is meaningful, not what is expedient
Tell the truth, or at least don’t lie
Assume the person you are listening to knows something you don’t
Be precise in your speech
Do not bother children while they are skateboarding
Pet a cat when you encounter one on the street
Looking back, I’m not sold on all the rules. More on that later.
I was dimly aware that Peterson was a controversial figure, embroiled over allegations that he was anti-trans, a Nazi, and other outlandish claims. I researched a bit and watched him in interviews. At the time, I thought that his complaints were justified and his defense was sound. Combined with the guidance he was giving to people like me, I thought it more likely that people were intentionally misconstruing his words.
I don’t believe that to be true, anymore. As the years went on, I saw him make increasingly unhinged comments about things he wasn’t qualified to speak on. I saw venom drip from his lips when he tore into people he obviously hated. It seemed to me that his biases were being magnified in proportion to his own inability to notice them.
He stopped being a hero when I noticed him ignoring his own rules in order to attack others online. I wish I could point to a specific tweet or video, but I don’t have that kind of time. The rules I was most aware of him breaking were “Set your house in perfect order before you criticize the world,” and “Assume the person you are listening to knows something you don’t”. He would attack people he didn’t know and treat them like idiots instead of with the curiosity he urged his readers to.
He also increasingly violated one of my core values, which was to be kind.
As he grew in prominence, he also seemed to take on a role lecturing the world on things that were well outside his sphere of understanding. He told protestors what they should be doing, criticized select groups of politicians while ignoring the corruption of others, and made strange calls to a wide variety of religious factions to “smarten up.”
No one is perfect. We all make mistakes. But his response to the ones he made seemed to be to double down and dial up the anger, and that broke my heart.
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When the people we admire become people we don’t, what do we do? I can only speak for myself, of course. These things are intensely personal.
For me, the hardest thing is the doubt. I begin to question the value of his lessons. How much truth is there behind the claims in his videos and books? Is it better to scrap the whole thing, or sort through the good and the bad, and see what still works with my conscience? Have I been trying to improve myself with flawed, misguided ideas?
I’m an idealist, which is a problem for me sometimes. It would be simpler to throw away all of Peterson’s work and look for wisdom elsewhere. But that’s not how I am. I picked through his rules, modified them to suit my own understanding, and did my best to follow them.
My version of the rules goes something like this:
Your mind listens to your body, so stand tall and strong
Take care of yourself as if you were someone you cared about
Surround yourself with people who want the best for you
Make realistic, incremental improvements
Give the people in your charge the tools they need to navigate society
Don’t be a hypocrite - criticize less and only when you have something to offer
Don’t take the easy way out, especially when you can see the right way
Be honest, especially with yourself
Everyone you talk to deserves your kindness and respect - learn from them
Say what you mean and mean what you say
Let the people in your charge try, and fail, and be there to help them when they do
Whenever possible, enjoy life - it’s a journey
I am not more of an expert than Jordan Peterson, except in the sphere of my own life. I don’t know if these modified rules are useful for anyone else. If so, I’m glad.
It can be devastating when our heroes fall, but it doesn’t have to be. We each have our own way of handling that kind of disappointment, betrayal, and grief. It’s okay to feel hurt. It’s also okay to move on.
Jordan Peterson, you helped me through a very difficult time in my life. You taught me things about myself and the world around me that, to this day, I find to be true and useful. I’m sorry that I can’t follow where you’re going. It breaks my heart, because it looks like a place ruled by anger and bitterness, and I don’t want that for anyone. I hope you have a change of heart and make it out the other side.
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What are my qualifications? None, except for my own experience and a desire to help. Going back to Doctor Who, “I am an idiot … passing through, helping out.” I hope my own struggle with my darkness can help you with yours, or understand the struggle of someone you love.
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Life before death
Strength before weakness
Journey before destination
