Tuesday, May 16, 2023
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The days are a fog, rolling past me, but I think I’m getting better. I just have very little motive force. I know what needs to be done, but I can’t make myself do it. But the horrible black mood has moved off for now.
I will see it again. I hope it will be on better terms, next time.
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Who I am as a person has changed drastically over the past few years. On top of that, my sense of self identity - who I perceive myself to be - has changed just as much. They don’t match what they were, and they don’t match each other.
Cognitive dissonance is when a person holds conflicting ideas about a thing - including the person themselves. And this clash of incompatible ideas can cause significant discomfort, or even pain.
I used to think of myself as reliable, hard working, tough. Compassionate. Patient. I can look back at a time when I worked two jobs and trained hard at the dojo, while being there for my family and friends and taking care of my share of the work at home. I remember a time when it would take monumental, concerted effort from someone to make me angry. I remember being helpful and considerate, extending respect to everyone, whether they showed it to me or not. And under it all I always, ALWAYS, wanted to get it right, to do it right, to be right for people.
Now I feel like I am unreliable, because of my failing mental and physical health. I feel like I can’t be hard working, at least not by ordinary standards, because my body and soul can’t take it. I am no longer physically or mentally tough. I am frail, slow, and inflexible. Lethargic, even on my best days, with short bursts of energy that leave me winded. I fail to be there for the people I care about, even when I want to. Birthdays, important events. Chores. Daily minimum. And I am so very tired of being patient, of having people treat me like garbage to be abused without consequence or regard for my humanity. I still try to show respect, but it doesn’t take much anymore to make me drop the gesture if it’s not reciprocated. And whether something is right or not, I find myself wishing I didn’t care.
It wouldn’t take a psychologist to see the markers. People pleasing. Savior complex. Overwhelm. Burnout. Hell, even ADHD markers are in there. But again, this isn’t even the real me. This is the concept of myself that I have. How much of it is true is hard to grasp. Plato’s cave and all that.
I have moments where I can see through the image, as if it were an overlay on the real world. I am hard working, but I have too many things to work on, so I fail. I am compassionate, but I get overwhelmed with all the things I want to be part of, to support, to help, and I feel myself breaking from the strain, and then I snap back into myself like an elastic. As a defense mechanism. To prevent me from tearing into pieces emotionally, which ironically lends itself to tearing apart anyway. I am tough, to have been through all the physical, mental, and emotional problems that have come my way, and I’m only seeing the outward cracks, not everything that’s still being kept together. I go to work or accomplish things at home even when I should be bedridden, or checked into a hospital.
And I care. No matter how much I sometimes don’t want to, I care.
This last one is the thing I keep coming back to. Because when I go dark it becomes one of my intrusive thoughts. “I don’t care. I just don’t care.” But it’s not true. It’s a part of me trying hard to make me not care, because caring hurts too much. It’s self protection. And no matter how many times I tell myself to believe it, my actions and my feelings belie the truth.
The cognitive dissonance - the horrible action of these different conceptions of myself grinding themselves to pieces on each other - is painful. But when I see that for what it is, I can step back a little and let them be what they really are - ideas. And ideas can be entertained or left alone. They can be proven or disproven. Forgotten. Remembered.
I chose to remember who I enjoyed being. Who I am at my core.
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What are my qualifications? None, except for my own experience and a desire to help. Going back to Doctor Who, “I am an idiot … passing through, helping out.” I hope my own struggle with my darkness can help you with yours, or understand the struggle of someone you love.
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Life before death
Strength before weakness
Journey before destination
